M - Yngwie J. Malmsteen - "Rising Force"

“I used to could listen for hours to records just for the guitar playing, but then I was dumb, because without an actual song or framework, its just somebody going doodly-doodly-doodly without rhyme or reason, and it bores me intensely (though I still own one Yngwie Malmsteen record, you’ll NEVER catch me actually listening to it).” – from my review of the Yardbirds’ “Roger the Engineer” record.

Whoops. Color me a fool.

So you know how I feel about flashy guitar players – no more needs to be said, though I’m sure I’ll end up saying it anyway.
Yngwie Malmsteen was THE hot new guitarist on the block in 1984-85. His calling card was speed: no one, and I mean NO ONE played faster than Yngwie. At a time when this kind of talent really seemed to matter, he not only sounded the part, but he looked it too: 21 years old, long hair, classic 80’s metal dude. Music magazines had this Swede plastered all over the place before his first solo record even came out (he first drew notice in the boring “Alcatrazz”). In interviews, he would position himself as the rightful heir of the musical throne of Bach, Paginnini, & Hendrix (though it’s obvious that he patterned himself after more recent players like Richie Blackmore of Deep Purple and Uli Jon Roth of the Scorpions.) At school, we’d look at pictures and wonder if his name was pronounced “yuh-NIG-wee” or “ING-wee” or “ING-vay” (the latter is correct). Finally the record came out. Yup, he sure was fast. Real fast. Faster than Van Halen, even. Problem was he couldn’t write. At all. No melodies, no lyrics, no nothing. But he played fast, alright. John became the Yngwie collector of the family: I think he bought the first 4 Yngwie records before losing interest. I never developed that interest myself, though I did have his picture on my wall for many years. He looked cooler than he sounded.

And how does it stack up today, you are asking yourself? Not well, matey. For one, it has the ABYSMAL sound of 80’s metal, especially the drums of ex-Jethro Tull member Barriemore Barlow (who happens to share my birthday – Virgos rule!) For another, as I mentioned, there’s not one memorable riff or melody on the whole record. You may as well listen to it with the sound off, because you’ll retain nothing. Lastly, his guitar playing…it IS superfast. Too fast. He plays 10 notes when 4 would suffice. There are endless descending and ascending runs – so many that you eventually tune them out, noticing only when he SLOWS DOWN (which isn’t too often). Seeing as he always claimed he was more than just another metal guitarist, (he is Yngwie “J.” Malmsteen, after all), he turns a Bach work into heavy metal drivel (this album came out around the same time Spinal Tap exposed so much of the rock & metal world for the sham it was, so it was passe upon release), has a harpsichord player on another song, and shows that he can play acoustic guitar and bass just as fast – yet for no real reason. A keyboard player appears on many of the cuts, sometimes dueling with Yngwie (sorry, Yngwie J.) on solos – hey buddy, I don’t care how fast YOU play, I didn’t buy this to hear fast keyboards, DUDE.) Plus there are two actual songs featuring vocalist Jeff Scott Soto, who must’ve been an old friend, because he has no business singing metal: on the first (“Now Your Ships Are Burned”), he sounds like a smoother James Hetfield of Metallica; on the second (“As Above, So Below”), he is the faceless metal singer that you imagine when you think of “generic”.

I despise Gene Simmons as a human being, but he made a really good point in the “Kiss Extreme Close-Up” video (he was burying Mark St. John, their third guitar player who became disabled & had to leave the band after recording one album with them): he stated that he would rather hear a simple hard chord whose sound almost breaks your ribs than to hear a million notes that just sounds like an angry bee – so annoying that you want to shoot that thing (and if Gene Simmons gets in the way of the bullet, all the better).

VERDICT: listening to this record is like driving through the Midwest (say, Kansas) at full speed. When you look out the windows, everything is rushing by so fast that you can’t focus on anything (not that there’s anything of interest to focus on). You just want to get through it as quickly as possible and move on to something else.
VIDEO: here’s Yngwie J doing his thing in Japan. They seem to like him, though people probably didn’t care too much for him on a flight to Toyko in 2002. Apparently, another passenger spilled water on him after he wouldn’t shut up, and, drunken and beligerant, he went off: (not safe for work). I like this clip much more than any of his music.


shred THIS!

L - Led Zeppelin - "Led Zeppelin""

Led Zeppelin changed my life.
They redefined in my mind what a rock group should be. They had the best of everything: best vocalist, best instrumentalists, best songs, best records, best album covers, best mystique - the list goes on (as does the beat, but that's a moot point). I started listening to them around 7th grade: by the time I was in high school, they were second only to AC/DC of my favorites (and that's only because AC/DC was more fun). Though it was more due to a general laziness than anything else, I still somewhat blame Led Zeppelin for taking away my focus (or even interest) in maintaining good grades at school. What would you, as a suburban kid, rather do: study algebra or rock to "The Immigrant Song" over and over again?

This was all when I was a teenager, though. I really don't listen to them much anymore, partly because of over-exposure (totally the fault of classic rock radio, by the way. I could go the rest of my life without ever needing to hear the following Zep songs again: Whole Lotta Love, Thank You, Living Loving Maid, Rock and Roll, Stairway to Heaven, Dancing Days, D'yer Mak'er (HATE that song), Trampled Underfoot, Fool in the Rain, & All My Love), partly because the initial buzz of discovery has been tempered by all the copycat bands that still pop up, and partly because my interest in the heavy blues rock genre is dead as a doornail. Though I still think very highly of John Bonham's drumming, Jimmy Page was talented but overrated and sloppy as hell on guitar, and Robert Plant got so much better when he wasn't shrieking (his recent work with Alison Krauss was REALLY good).

It was interesting to listen to this record in whole again after not having played it for years. Considering it was one of the regulars on my turntable, I remain very familiar with the songs, and wasn't surprised by anything. I got out of it what I expected: some of the songs are still really good (mostly the pop ones) and some are dreadful (mostly the blues ones).

· "Good Times Bad Times" - a great rocking way to kick off the record. Good vocals, bass, and drumming - and superb guitar playing. There are two awesome dramatic moments in the song: the first is the hesitation right before the first solo - it's a perfect moment because the solo comes roaring into a full speed gallop after the pause; the second is after the final chorus: as the bass plays through the bar unaccompanied, you hear the guitar pick chip at the strings, like Pagey can't wait to come back in, and when he does, it's this super speedy run. YEAH!!!!!

· "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You" - one of Zep's trademarks was the light/heavy - acoustic/electric contrast. Sometimes it worked very well ("Ramble On"), other times not so good. Like this song, for instance. Musically, it just isn't very interesting, but it's the lyrics and vocals that totally sink it. I'm not sure what Plant is doing during this song. He starts out by declaring to "Babe" that, well, he was going to leave her: he even specifies that this event will happen in summer (Babe: "but it's October!"). In the second verse, he says that no, he doesn't REALLY want to leave – (pause) – just kidding, of course. Seriously, he's outa there (to "ramble", apparently.) He never specifies WHY it's so important that he leaves "Babe", but it's clearly starting to get him, because he starts SCREAMING apropos of nothing. When the verse finally comes back in, it seems like he's changed his mind YET AGAIN. So now they're staying together with the action plan for the future including daily trips to the park for walks (this kind of exercise must be a big part of Plant's regimen because he YELLS this at "Babe" as well.) Okay, they're fine now emotionally and physically (he even has changed his nickname for her to "WO-man"), he admits to being very happy to be with her, then hollers that he's "got to go away". At this point, "Babe" must be shrieking at HIM to make up his damn mind already, or, at the very least, shut the hell up. I guess he gets this message because he ends the song with a low moan, still indecisive. Believe me, “Babe”, I feel for you – I’m frustrated just having to sit through it. (Rip-off alert: the song is credited on the record to "Traditional, arranged by Jimmy Page", though the song was actually written in the 50's. Starting in the 90's, the composer finally received credit and back royalties.)

· "You Shook Me" - this song is a very good definition of the word "plodding". I'm sure in 1969, this kind of generic heavy blues impressed a lot of people, but man, it is dull, cliched, and goes on forever. Pure cock rock, with a decent electric piano solo, an awful harmonica solo, and more Plant screaming unnessarily. Instead of fading out, it leads right into

· "Dazed and Confused" - a super great descending bass/guitar riff leading into the first real classic of Zep's career. Plant is having girl trouble again and lashing out at women in general (“the soul of a woman was created below” - it was at this point that I became uncomfortable by how down on women (or maybe it was just "Babe") this record has been. Scanning side two, it doesn't get any better) but his overwrought vocals fit the song well. The quiet middle section featuring Page bowing his guitar strings is nice, but more for the actual usage of the bow rather than actual notes played. I like the speeding up the tempo before the guitar solo, and there's some cool ensemble playing before throwing on the brakes into the last verse. There's a good buildup at the end, then fade side one. (Rip-off alert: the song was written by a folksinger named Jake Holmes in the late 60's. The Yardbirds (featuring Jimmy Page) played the song often in their last year, though they never recorded it for release. For the first Zeppelin album, Page re-wrote the lyrics, and took full credit. To this day, he has not given Holmes even a co-writer credit. THEIF!)

· “Your Time is Gonna Come” – beginning with a keyboard solo from John Paul Jones that pays tribute to (or rips off, depending on what side of the fence you’re on) the organ solos that Garth Hudson of the Band would play leading into their classic “Chest Fever”, the song settles into a mellow acoustic groove that sits there impotently, while Plant threatens “WO-man” with retribution for running around on him (can you blame her, though? First he’s staying, and then he’s going. First he’s happy with her, then he’s not. I’m guessing WO-man did not take his threats very seriously, cause he’s not going anywhere.) Page plays a pleasant steel guitar, but the song seems unfinished, and fades out.

· “Black Mountain Side” – starting in his Yardbird days, Page showed an affinity for middle-eastern or world music, as it came to be called. Thanks to George Harrison, Indian music still seemed the rage in 1969, even though generally Indian music played by white British rock stars tended to be simply pop music tarted up to sound foreign. On this short acoustic piece, Page is joined by an Indian tabla player. It’s okay: his acoustic compositions would be better in the future – this one is a little redundant, but it’s over soon enough.

· “Communication Breakdown” – the BEST song on the record: short, heavy, dramatic, excellent. Pagey firebombs the solo and Plant pitches a fit on vocals. The Dead Kennedy’s said it best in their song “Short Songs”: “I like short songs” repeated very fast 13 times. So do I.

· “I Can’t Quit You Baby” – another drab blues cover; like “You Shook Me”, written by Willie Dixon (perhaps Page had a dose of honesty and moral responsibility that week when he actually credited the correct songwriter. Or maybe he just had a lot of respect for the legendary Chicago bluesman. Of course, that respect must’ve drifted off by the next LP, as Willie himself was completely ripped off, as Page/Plant claimed they wrote “Whole Lotta Love”. Willie eventually got his credit years later.) This cover is better than it’s counterpart on side 1, but you can still pass over it without missing much. Luckily it leads into the skipping bass/drums beginning of

· “How Many More Times” – the second best song on the record, and one where the length actually benefits it. Yes, at its core, it’s just another blues song, but through its volume, dynamics, and killer heavy riff, it becomes something very different – heavy metal. Though I would not want to listen to it for days, I think I actually could. The whole band is on fire, and it swings AND it STOMPS. A phenomenal closer (despite being a RIP-OFF: blues icon Howlin’ Wolf (Chester Burnett) wrote a song called “How Many More Years” that Zep somehow figured they could call their own with a few lyric changes. Guess what? Howlin’ Wolf is now properly credited on Zeppelin re-releases. Totally shameless.)

They do look very cool on the back album cover, for a bunch of cheaters.

VERDICT: it meant a whole lot more to me when I was younger, but I still like it. Mostly.
VIDEO

K - the Kasenetz-Katz Singing Orchestral Circus - "Original Cast Recording"

You know, I go on and on and on about rock and roll, and how serious it should or shouldn't be. I admit that I have, at times, taken music WAY too seriously: perhaps because of the overwhelming influence music (particularly rock and roll) has had in my life, or perhaps because I don't often have a whole lot of other things going on. Whatever the case, there have been many times where I have been grossly unfair to music that doesn't strive to be more than simple pop fun. Bubblegum music. Music with no ulterior motive than to make the kids happy (and make disgusting amounts of money by knocking out assembly line material that has a couple great hooks and a spirited (if anonymous) performance.) Who cares if it ain't nothin' but a good time? (Poison was one of THE great bubblegum bands of all time, by the way.) There are times I don't want to think or sink into the intricacies of "art". I really really really just wanna zig-a-zig-AHHHH!

The heyday of bubblegum music was arguably in the late 60's, amid the backdrop of psychedelia, protest, and pot. The 60's changed not just pop music, but the BUSINESS of pop music: musicians and songwriters were taking their own reigns rather than letting the producers have all the fun. The Beatles, another of the great bubblegum acts, led the way. I put down Paul McCartney a lot (justifiably so), but MAN could he write a perfect pop song. The fact that they also had artistic integrity and talent made their career, even in the early stages, still more impressive. The youth market was booming, and the producers & record companies were pulling in huge amounts of dough. As the Beatles and others like them grew, their music became much more sophisticated (is it really possible that there was only 2 years between "She Loves You" & "Tomorrow Never Knows"? THAT is growth), but there were younger kids who were just now coming of age to buy the records, magazines, & paraphernalia of their siblings who didn't GET the new directions. No problem: record execs like Neil Bogart & Don Kirshner simply made up or took over bands to cater specifically to the kids. A lot of these songs are so sugary your teeth rot, but it's a good pain - like an ice cream headache; it HURTS, but you don't stop eating it, do you?

A few years ago, I began collecting some of these old bubblegum records as part of my "simplify" philosophy (inspired by "Walden" - yes, Thoreau motivated me to listen to the Archies.) I was already well familiar with the Monkees (my first concert), and some of the better-known gummy classics ("Sugar, Sugar", "Yummy Yummy Yummy", "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'"), but didn't know anything about the bands that performed them. For good reason, it turns out. Generally, they didn't exist - or if they did, they would do shows and appearances to promote records that they mostly didn't write or play on. The house producers and songwriters were kings, and few were hotter than Jerry Kasenetz and Jeff Katz of Buddah records. Cranking out faceless hit after faceless hit, they specialized in simple, almost childish, singalongs filled with hooks (and, often, double entendres: I still feel a little queasy hearing "I got love in my tummy", but it's GREAT).

In 1968, Buddah decided to have a big bubblegum show at Carnegie Hall featuring their "superstar groups" like the 1910 Fruitgum Company, the Ohio Players, and the Music Explosion, along with other less known (ie non-existent) bands like the 1989 Musical Marching Zoo & J.C.W. Rat Finks, under the title "the Kasenetz-Katz Singing Orchestral Circus". This record is purported to be the "original cast recording" of the event - like it's the soundtrack to a play or something. Unfortunately, it's a sham: a pure studio creation labeled to mislead its underage audience. I absolutely do not understand the purpose of this record other than to make a fast buck. Even more confusing is that much of the record isn't even K-K material: there are unbelievably bland versions of "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling", "We Can Work it Out", "A Place in the Sun", "Yesterday", and "Hey Joe" - none of which comes anywhere close to being even a fraction as enjoyable as the originals. There are a couple of insultingly fake "live" introductions, purportedly by members of the aforementioned bands, but more likely to be the recording engineer or the guy who happened to deliver lunch to the recording studio that day. Side Two features "live" versions of previous K-K hits "Little Bit of Soul", "Simon Says", and "Latin Shake"; over pre-recorded audience screaming, some guy exhorts the crowd to sing along, so they do: the "audience" clap and sing over the ORIGINAL songs - like if you were in your car and singing along to the radio. It's pathetic. (That said, I'd never heard "Latin Shake" before (originally by Lt. Garcia's Magic Music Box - uh huh), and I'd like to hear it without these phony overdubs.) K-K add a couple slower, Kinks-style story songs which aren't very good, and the only other original "Down in Tennessee" is more of an excuse to name drop the bands again rather than to get your heart a-pumpin’ and your feet a-jumpin’.

VERDICT: ever get the feeling you've been cheated?
VIDEO: this is FANTASTIC in so many ways: the phenomenally nerdy group, the stoned guitar player who clearly hated the camera being in his face, the silhouettes of I’m guessing one of the band member’s parents in the “audience”. I LOVE it.

J - Michael Jackson - "Off the Wall"

Whew…it took a couple of days to get the stink of patchouli from the steaming pile of hippie crap called the Incredible String Band off of my turntable long enough to change records, where it was replaced by the sweet sweet smell of a 21 year old Michael Jackson funkin’ it up somethin’ fierce. Yet it’s not as good as I’d hoped.

(During this note, I will not be reviewing his status as an unconvicted child molester. He is innocent until proven guilty, and, luckily for him, he had enough money to throw around to keep this a moot issue. The world has always had its fair share of creeps, sickos, and perverts – the entertainment arena has never cornered the market on them. Can artistic milestones sometimes trump moral depravity? Yup. History has shown us that time does separate the art from the fart. Can Michael hope for a future where his music is more resonant than his freakishness? Nope. Because even “Thriller”, as great a record as it is, isn’t really all that. “The Girl is Mine” is NOT art.)

Anyway…

As you may have guessed, my opinion of Michael Jackson as an entertainer isn’t super high. There are a few things that he deserves huge amounts of credit (or blame) for: certainly defining music video; for creating, controlling, and manipulating a public persona that was unparalleled; and, through a combination of talent, drive, and ambition, being the catalyst that broke open the music world of the 80’s, leading to popular music and culture becoming more racially diverse than ever before. Michael did some great music prior to “adulthood” (because who doesn’t like the Jackson 5? Let me re-state the question: who doesn’t like the Jackson 5 songs sung by Michael?) and did some fine work after “Michael Jackson the myth” started crumbling (post-“Dangerous” – though I will always question the dubious distinction of having MacCauley Culkin strike a gangsta pose in the “Black and White” video), but his career as a mega-star will always be defined by 2 records – “Thriller” and “Bad” – which spanned an 8 year period. Not a whole lot of productivity in 8 years really (and I don’t include the Jacksons reunion albums or things like “We Are the World”, which together took him about 10 minutes of inspiration.)

“Off the Wall” is his first full exhale of creative control, and it’s very good. Michael’s performances are definitely terrific – his voice is extremely nimble and expressive, and it sounds like he’s having a blast with this material. As well it should, because this is a dance record first and foremost. The songs are primarily either about dancing (“Get on the Floor”, “Burn This Disco Out”), use dance metaphors (“Rock with You”, “Off the Wall”) or are get-it-on tunes with a dance floor beat (“Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough”, “Working Day and Night”). Side One is a nonstop funk fest, and is fully enjoyable; Michael gets extra credit for writing 3 of the 4 songs, including the stone classic “Don’t Stop…”. This is not only the best song on the record, but one of the true classics of R&B, and is, in my opinion, only matched in his career by “Wanna Be Starting Something”. In fact, I think the weakest part of this record is the material on side two written by the proven pop songwriters: neither Carole Bayer Sager, Stevie Wonder, or Paul McCartney (ESPECIALLY Paul McCartney’s) contributions hold a candle to either Michael or Rod Temperton’s compositions. The only exception to this is the heartbreaker “She’s Out of My Life” written by some guy named Tom Bahler. (Sorry, Paulie, that song (and the hankie-wringing performance Michael delivers) blows away ANYTHING you did in the 80’s or 90’s. “Biker Like an Icon”, indeed.)

That said, I kinda expected to like this record a lot more. Seeing as I prefer the 70’s Michael to the 80’s and beyond freak, I thought this would be a minor masterpiece that I could groove to while wondering what the hell went wrong. (“Thriller” is a fantastic record, but as music, it wasn’t good enough on its own to create the phenomenon that eventually unraveled his personal and professional life. Of course, neither was “Meet the Beatles”.) It’s just that the material is not quite there yet. The thing about “Thriller” was that it had such amazing crossover success: “Billie Jean”, “Beat It”, “Human Nature” and the appalling “The Girl is Mine” are all VERY different songs in different styles, yet all of them nail the sound they were going for perfectly. Though it also nails ITS sound, “Off the Wall” really only has one.

But it’s not fair to compare these two albums in that way, as they are so different. So fine, I won’t anymore. (And, um..regarding the picture of the album above...that's a camera flash. The actual front cover does not feature his glowing crotch.)

VERDICT: side one is excellent, side two is spotty with only one real gem. A very good dance record. And now I’m going to change records and listen to “Wanna Be Starting Something” again.
VIDEO: aw HELL YEAH!!!!

I - the Incredible String Band - "U"

Dude…
If the first sound you hear when you drop the needle is a sitar twanging and bonging, you’re in for a rough ride.
When that sitar is kicking off a two record set of hippie nonsense subtitled “A surreal parable in song and dance”, you’re SERIOUSLY in trouble.

The lowdown: the Incredible String Band was primarily 2 Scottish folkies who frolicked in whimsy and truly symbolized 60’s love children taken to extremes. Like if Donovan was serious. (He was?? Oh…) Mike Heron (the lower voice, the more straightforward songs) and Robin Williamson (high voice, experimental instruments, compositions more free form) were earnestly (BOY are they earnest) trying to bring the British folk sound into the Summer of Love: while they could occasionally stumble over a good tune (Heron’s “You Get Brighter” & “China White”, Williamson’s “First Girl I Loved” & “Way Back in the 1960’s”), they were more apt to be precious – so precious you wanted to beat them senseless.

I was NOT looking forward to this record. I tried listening to it once when I first got it, and didn’t even get through side one (when I learned that the live presentation of “U” included mimes, I REALLY wanted nothing to do with it.) Yet here it is – “U” is the only other “I” in my collection, but unlike the other “I” (Michael Iceberg), I’m not actually angry having to hear it, but I AM annoyed and bored out of my gourd. AND I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE SECOND RECORD YET.

Upon hearing the 8 ½ minute introductory song “El Wool Suite”, I was reminded why my initial impressions weren’t unfounded. But at least there’s no vocals on this one. The rest of side one is absolutely awful. Almost all Williamson songs (except for the cowboy parody “Bad Sadie Lee” done by someone named Janet Shankman), Robin is the kind of singer who doubles or triples the length of a two minute song by stretching one syllable words like “time” into about 15 syllables by trilling and scatting up and down his limited register. Have I mentioned that his songs are precious? Oh yes, they are. “The Juggler’s Song” (TERRIBLY sung, by the way) tries to use a juggler as an analogy for power, substance, and time, and fails miserably. Side one closer “Queen of Love” goes on FOREVER, with Tom Constanten’s (early experimental associate of the Grateful Dead) string arrangement being the only positive.

Side Two isn’t as rough, as it’s more Heron’s material (not that it’s GOOD, mind you, but it’s a far cry better than side one’s crap). Instrumentals kick off and close the side (with “Partial Belated Overture” sounding like something Mike Oldfield would later do, and the full band sound of “Bridge Theme” providing a nice contrast to all the acoustic noodling, respectively). In between, though - junk. I like Heron’s piano playing in “Light in Time of Darkness” but then he starts braying his vocals, and I try to tune it out as best I can. Throughout the record, the boys are accompanied by their girlfriends, Rose & Licorice. Rose plays a decent bass and sings poorly, and Licorice plays drums and, uh, spoons, and sings REALLY poorly. I fell asleep during the absurd “Hiren Pawnitof”, but woke up (heh – “I Woke Up” was the album they released prior to this one. It’s also the title of Jandek’s strangest release, but that’s for another review) when the electricity of “Bridge Theme” hit. Then I fell back asleep again.

I don’t want to finish listening to this. The first record sucked hard, and the second doesn’t look like its going to be better (side 3 is almost ALL Williamson songs) and the LP ends with a 15 minute thing called “Rainbow”. God help me in the future.

Okay, just finished. Was it as bad as I’d worried? Almost. The first song on side 3, “Bridge Song”, features some of the worst group vocals I’ve heard from any band. On lead vocals, Licorice sings in an ugly high registerr, matched only by Mike’s off-pitch howl. Following this time waster is an acoustic guitar solo from Robin that goes nowhere, and leads into the acapella “Invocation” that presents Robin at his absolute worst. But then a curious thing happens: the rest of the side is (comparatively) non-offensive. Sure, “Robot Blues” is just Robin banging away at the piano doing a “future blues” parody, but it’s much more tolerable than its immediate predecessor. The side 3 closer, “The Puppet Song”, is NOT BAD. The lyrics are as dippy as all those before, but a little more clever, and the music is quite nice. And this is from Robin – maybe I’ve misjudged him.

No I haven’t, because side four is abysmal. Beginning with Robin’s now patented shrill AAAAhhhhahAHHHHehhhhhAYYYYYY, moving through an inconsequential solo from Licorice (at least it’s not falsetto this time), and ending with the feel-good-send-the-hippies-back-to-the-park-happy “Rainbow”, I’m spent. I don’t want any more music today. Was this music? Was this supposed to be good? Am I just not getting it?

VERDICT: Netflix sent me all 3 discs of the “Macho Man” Randy Savage retrospective; I should’ve been watching that instead.
VIDEO: this is a lot more coherent than anything on “U”. U probably won’t like it. I don’t.

H - Neil Hagerty - "Neil Michael Hagerty"

I fully admit to being a fan of junk rock. You know the kind: sloppy guitars, squawked vocals, dirty drums, little or no production, and vaguely irrelevant songs with totally irrelevant lyrics. Music that is generally more fun to make than to listen to: where the energy level is way more important than quality control. When needing a quick burst of adrenaline and devil may care attitude, this kind of music is my drug of choice.

Speaking of drugs, I also fully admit to being a fan of junky rock. This can possess some of the same attributes as described earlier, or can go in a more inert direction. Lyrics tend to be more important to the overall effect, though then are often more obtuse, and generally aren’t that much better. Musicianship is more lazy than sloppy (which generally corresponds to the musicians passing out while playing). Production is such as to make the music seem as disconnected as possible from reality. I prefer this type of sound when I want to zone out completely and need a soundtrack to an evening spent staring at the ceiling or my toes (depending on my mood).

Neil Hagerty has always had a foot firmly planted in both camps. When he was “guitarist” in the infamous noise rock band Pussy Galore with future hipster doofus Jon Spencer, it was all about the visceral, in your face sound of someone screaming in your ear while beating you about the head with a tire iron, while in his side – later full time – project, Royal Trux, he and partner Jennifer Herrema perfected the poise of a junkie couple locked in a studio, laying down tracks (of various kinds), then messing with, distorting, layering, and embellishing them to create a very disorienting mélange where melody & rhythm seemed to happen only by accident. Their second record “Twin Infinitives” is one of the most self indulgent pieces of indie crap I’ve ever tortured myself with: surprisingly, seeing as I’m one of the most self-indulgent musical masochists I know, I don’t have it anymore, & have no desire to hear it again. It’s THAT bad. Royal Trux definitely got better with each successive record, though; by their fifth record “Thank You” (their major label debut – I can’t imagine any credible record company that isn’t simply trying to horn in on the DIY crowd sinking money into this stuff. They rewarded the label’s interest in them with the disgusting picture of a clogged toilet on the cover of their next record “Sweet Sixteen”. They were dropped soon after), they sound like a classic southern rock band wacked out on downers: sure it’s still sloppy and greasy, but there are songs that actually resemble catchy MUSIC, and both Neil & Jennifer have very charismatic presences (especially Jennifer’s raspy vocals (obviously influenced greatly by emphysema patients – Neil’s vocals were more yowling ala Keith Richards)). Much better than the Black Crowes, anyway.

So when Neil released his first solo album in 2001, I wasn’t sure which side to expect – or even to see if there would be some crazy new direction he’d nod toward. “Jazz Odyssey”, perhaps. Well, it doesn’t differ than much from Royal Trux, except he reverts back to the screwing around in the studio sound of the earlier records than the band sound of the latter. And while he’s more accomplished now than he was then (it’s a CLEAN sounding record), these songs (and they ARE songs – not sketches or improv this time) are so forgettable that even though I finished listening to it about 20 minutes ago, I don’t recall any differentiating feature from one song to the next, outside of the opening track “Know That” which rips off its hook from the Hues Corporation’s “Rock the Boat”. It does sound like a true solo record in that all the playing seems Hagerty-ized (even the ever present drum machine sounds phased). Neil sings in his lower register for much of the record, which definitely makes it more palatable for the ears – his high whine is pretty painful - and there’s plenty of overdubbed guitars & keyboards, none of which sounds “right”. While I was listening to the record, I certainly didn’t mind it, but I didn’t pay much attention to it either. There’s nothing to stick.

VERDICT: wait….did I actually listen to this record? I can’t remember.
VIDEO: i saw Royal Trux 3 times when they were together, and this is a pretty accurate Neil performance. I dare you to sit through the whole thing.

G - Galaxie 500 - "Today"

I’ve always been a little torn about what I’m looking for in a rock musician. Is it more important to be creative, to stand out amidst the rock and roll wasteland – even if that means presenting something not particularly “good”? Or how about passion, commitment & emotion? Though rock music by nature is instilled with momentum and a certain level of energy, should you want your music more relatable: either in the “they’re saying what I feel” way or a “they mean what they say” manner? What about the rock star trappings – aren’t they important, too? Attitude & charisma is vital – both for standing out and as a rallying point. Despite my disdain for celebrity, I can’t help wanting my rock stars to look and BE the part, not just act it; for as long as they can back up this attitude with a passable amount of talent, I’m cool with that. Rock constantly feeds on the “sex, drugs, & rock & roll” burnout mentality, and there is an endless supply of cannon fodder to be built up and mowed down.

I’m also torn on the role nerds should play in rock. Rock nerds first got the nerve to stand proudly on their own in the wake of Dylan, as earnest intelligent folkies moved into the electric arena. They helped personalize rock beyond the boy-meets (loses)-girl basics into something broader, even though they sometimes got too “deep” for their own good, PAUL SIMON. (“I am a rock”, indeed – I wish I was a rock to bounce off that sad little bald skull of his.). John Lennon was the poster child for these nerds: despite his bluster and his defensive exterior, he possessed the nerd gene in full blossom. Plenty of the psychedelic or art rock groups of the late 60’s/early 70’s contained at least one dyed in the wool dork. But in my opinion, the two godfathers of nerd rock were, on the surface, complete opposites: Iggy Pop of the Stooges & Jonathan Richman of the Modern Lovers. One was a notorious wildman – truly the perfect example of the charismatic rock and roll frontman; the other was a textbook geek who was either almost painfully oblivious or unguardedly proud of the dork he was. They both got their point across through disarmingly forward lyrics that captured the essence of their characters, for better or worse, and both ROCKED. Together, they spawned generations of offspring who learned you could be honest about who you were in the rock arena while living up the rock and roll promise (is it a surprise that in their early days, the Sex Pistols covered songs by both Iggy & Jonathan?)

That said, having the strength & commitment to express yourself freely as a rock songwriter doesn’t mean you could, or should, be a “singer-songwriter”. Singers like Dylan, Richman, & Lou Reed showed you didn’t have to be a technically proficient (or even listenable) to be a successful rock singer. What you needed was an individual voice and phrasing to bring your lyrics to life. It was HOW they sang that made these three stand out – not everyone could do it. It’s one of the catch 22’s of the DIY aesthetic: it’s your voice, use it – but don’t be surprised if people don’t want to listen to it.

Guitarist Dean Wareham of Galaxie 500 (later in Luna) maybe should not have been the singer. He has a high warbly voice that veers off pitch constantly, especially when reaching for notes far out of his range. The lower notes are tolerable, but those high ones – hey buddy, it’s unpleasant. In some of the songs on this first (& on subsequent) Galaxie 500 record, he tries to make it more presentable by doubling his voice an octave apart. It happens far too often, and doesn’t help. The unfortunate vocals are the worst thing about this album.

Luckily, there are so many positives to counter this negative. This is undoubtedly a shoegazer album akin to bands like Spacemen 3 & The Pefect Disaster: 3 chords (maybe), slow to mid-tempo songs, fully defined instrumental sound, nice distorted guitar. It’s the sound of a sunrise: the gentle unobtrusive tapping of the Damon Krukowski’s drums, the quiet strumming of the guitar which occasionally bursts into slow feedback leads resemble the sun peeking up over the horizon with sharp streams of sunlight piercing the clouds (deep..huh..maybe I AM a rock). On top of that is the unreal potent bass playing of Naomi Yang, who clearly used Peter Hook of Joy Division / New Order as a starting point in that the bass is relatively simple & played high up on the fretboard, & expanding that to play countermelodies during the verses; almost like a lead instrument without actually soloing or overplaying like a Geddy Lee or Chris Squire. The instrumental sound presented by Galaxie 500 is a very comforting, snug, & warm: the obtrusive vocals don’t diminish its quality.

The songs are very good – they’ve got the sleepy feel of the third Velvet Underground album. Lou Reed is obviously a big influence on Dean’s guitar playing and sound, though his lyrics are more Jonathan Richmanian. To wit,

“I don't wanna stay at your party
I don't wanna talk with your friends
I don't wanna vote for your president
I just wanna be your tugboat captain”

OK, sure. When you try to go “cute”, there’s a danger of getting too “precious”. Dean crosses that line a few times, but hey, it’s their first record, and by the next album, they’d improved quite a bit from this already impressive start. The albums starts strong with the gorgeous “Flowers”, but hits its stride on side two, with tremendous songs in “Oblivious”, “Temperature’s Rising”, “Instrumental” (finally – an instrumental that lives up to its name!), and the college hit “Tugboat”. There’s also an interesting cover of the Modern Lovers’ “Don’t Let Our Youth Go To Waste”, which is more of a curio than anything else (as the original was sung a-capella, it’s weird to hear, you know, instruments). Regardless, this is a truly fine record from a seemingly underwhelming band.

VERDICT: with a different vocalist, this could’ve been fantastic. As it is, it’s simply great.
VIDEO