P - Palace Brothers - "There is No One What Will Take Care of You"

Have I done something wrong? Have I sinned? Is this some kind of cosmic punishment? Is there such a thing as “Iceberg’s Revenge”?

First I have to endure, and rip apart, one of my old idol’s records (see previous entry), then I have to sit through what seems like 12 hours of the Palace Brothers’ first album.

Okay, I’m going to make this short and sweet, because I’m absolutely pissed that, no matter how much I rant & rave about the criminality of wasting precious moments on this “music” of a moaning sad sack, IT’S MY OWN DAMN FAULT BECAUSE I BOUGHT THIS RECORD! It was 99 cents at Sound Waves, and Steve was a big fan. I would’ve never heard of this “band” (really just a bad singer named Will Oldham) if Steve hadn’t talked about them (him) so often. Plus it’s on Drag City Records – the one-time mecca of indie whores - how can one go wrong?

Well, by dropping the needle on side one for instance. You can go doubly wrong by turning the record over. Palace Brothers in a nutshell: Appalachian death music modernized (ie half assed playing & lots of swearing – why does he mention urine so much?). Also, MAKING YOUR VOICE CRACK EVERY THIRD NOTE DOES NOT DENOTE EMOTION. It is an affectation, is completely fake sounding, and is annoying as me on a rant. Will Oldham might as well be Sheryl Crow or that crap singer from Coldplay. All of these songs are Will moaning and moaning and MOANING about God knows what. I tuned him out during the middle of side one. This is much worse than Jandek. Hillbilly emo.

There must be great lyrics on here, for the critics seem to love it, but I can’t hear them over the gnashing of my teeth from these inane performances. If he was truly musically incompetent, that wouldn’t bother me – there’s a lot of half-wits whose limitations are charming - it’s that he CAN PLAY BUT IS PURPOSELY PLAYING POORLY. This is the epitome of the indie pose, and the perfect example of why 90’s indie rock was no more valid than the Spice Girls. At this moment, I can’t think of anyone who deserves an ass kicking more than Will Oldham circa 1992, if only because I truly believe that getting the crap beaten out of him might've given him a better outlook on life – like an internal cleanse, except done with fists and kicks.

Verdict: If you choose to flog yourself with this, I wish you well. Stay away from sharp instruments, & make sure you can self-apply a tourniquet, just in case